Chillin on my bed listening to some Van Morrison on Christmas Eve in Costa Rica. It’s not my usual tradition, but this year has been anything but “usual.” I decided during my birthday celebration in August that this would be my rogue year. I announced to my family that due to all the unexpected changes I was going to go with the flow and not try to make the rest of this year fit into it’s usual box of habits and traditions. Intuitively I knew the rest of the year would ride the momentum of change and rather than fighting against the tide I decided to ride the wave and roll with it…ie being solo in Costa Rica on Christmas Eve.
It was difficult at first, but an interesting thing occurred earlier today. I woke up early, rode the quad to yoga, ate some breakfast and came home. I had a sadness all morning I couldn’t shake. I tried to bounce out of it, but no luck. As I got home I laid on my bed and the sadness kept creeping. I finally sat up and meditated, inviting the sadness to sit with me. A bizarre thing happened once I invited the sadness in…I became even more sad, waves of depression crashed over me, accompanied by even greater sadness, then a deep discomfort of darkness, loneliness, and heartache poured through my soul. Rather than fighting it, I stuck with it thinking, “I don’t know why all of this is coming on, but it’s here so let’s let it speak.” I sat with this deep sadness for about 30 minutes, eyes closed, silent, simply letting it have it’s way. Then something even more surprising occurred…the sadness lifted, a lightness breathed through my heart, and a healing peace melted the sadness. I don’t know where it came from, but it was like the sadness needed to have it’s way all morning, like it was knocking on the door during yoga, breakfast and when I returned home. It wasn’t until I opened the door and invited the sadness in that it could travel onward.
After the sadness moved on, the peace swept through my soul and lifted the weight in my mind. I opened my eyes to the Costa Rica rainforest outside my windows and just rested in the peace and the quiet. I was surprised that I could shift so dramatically from deep sadness to such profound peace. And then I realized that the shadows needed to air out their story. That I have been working and staying preoccupied for so long that I couldn’t hear the sadness. As a result I haven’t felt much like myself for several months now. Once I gave myself permission and the space to feel the sadness it didn’t want to stay, just speak, be received and move on.
The human condition is a crazy thing. Why do we run from these difficult emotions and only want the highs? You’d think I would know better by now, but I often get blinded by what’s going on deep inside and remain attentive to the stimulation and activity on the surface.
I’m thankful for the breakthrough today and the gentle reminder on Christmas Eve no less that new birth is always available to us…just need to invite it in and sit for a while.
Merry Christmas from Costa Rica!