closing thoughts to a day in kenya…

i had lunch with a young guy who is searching and wanted to get together with me to discuss the pain surrounding his loss of faith. a quote, “i’m losing my faith in God and i don’t know what to do. how do i get my faith back?”

it was an interesting lunch with the back and forth sharing one desires on such a topic. life is such an odd, painful and beautiful experience. i found myself walking through this conversation slowly being lifted as we talked about the uncertainty of life, its pains and how a relationship with God is like any other. we have those moments that lift our hearts and bring us closer to a deeper sense of who we are, what we are about and who we want to become. and then there are those moments that challenge us greatly…move us into pain that can tear at our hearts and cause us to question the very essence of who we thought we were.

and where is God in these moments? especially where is God in these moments when it seems to be the absence of God that brings the pain?

like i said it was a wonderful discussion…very light as you can tell!

the funny thing is that once we walked away from this conversation and i was feeling a bit lighter and full…moments later…literally minutes later i received an email from one of our ctc team members who has decided to back away from us.

wasn’t i just feeling lighter? wasn’t everything starting to pull itself together???

and then i remembered as i slowly started to sink back into that slippery dark abyss…the words i had just told that young man came calling back to me….it’s about relationship….it’s about trust….it’s about intimacy and remaining in the love even when the love disturbs the very foundation of who or where we thought we were.

control is an illusion. the unpredictability of life blows me away. i don’t think i’ll ever get use to this. i’m not even sure if we’re supposed to. the lack of control…the unpredictability forces us…literally pushes our hearts into one another. the need to connect…to know that we are not alone. it keeps us on our knees and holding each others hands.

when i’m here in kenya i am always reminded of both the illusion of control and the interdependence we share as human beings.  everything around you here in kenya lets you know that as much as you’d like to determine the course of  a day you are often at the mercy of circumstance.  at the same time, however, this removal of controls illusion reminds you of your need for others…for their companionship, for their connection, for their simple presence in our lives.

without the loving presence of others….even the smile of a stranger….where would we be?

big love,


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