confused…

i am having one of those days. one of those days when you question much of who you are and what you are about. today i’ve had several phone conversations dealing with matters pertaining to ctc…yesterday as well. i have now come to the end of the day and i am left wondering…”what in the world have i gotten myself into???”

i often feel that i’m way over my head. that this is so much larger than i expected and way too complicated…how can i even think i’m going to make a difference. i know, i know…ctc is much larger than any individual…one of the beautiful aspects of our organization. however, today it seems i am left alone to make big decisions about the direction we are to take.

for instance i just got off the phone with a professor from the school of architecture we work with in france. they want to know when we are going to be ready to construct the community center they have helped us design. they also want input on the design they have completed. i look at these designs and appreciate them. i also look at these designs and wonder…”how in the world are we going to pay for something like this?!?” looking at the bigger picture i also feel the burden of…will it work? is this a kind of structure that will resonate with kenyans and become a structure helping them with their way of life or will it be yet another push by westerners with a western mindset not addressing the peoples need through a cultural relevant lens?

the needs there are so overwhelming and the aid coming to areas like this are so minimal.  when you work there for the years that we have you realize that every pebble thrown into this pond truly ripples out in a dynamic way…positively and negatively.

where do i go from here? it is hard during days like this. when you feel the weight of your world, plus the worlds of others dependent on your decisions and you realize just how limited you are….just how helpless.

i pray for the strength and wisdom to see.

big love,

z