nonstop this past month from kc -> sf -> miami -> nyc. finally headed back home to austin. i could not be more thankful for the past month. the opportunity to see so many friends and partners along the journey. the travel can sometimes be a double edged sword where you love the adventure, the people and conversations, however, it takes a toll on you to always be on and living out of a suitcase leaves you walking on loose ground. i find myself slipping at times from my center…a wandering heart easily provoked and often unsettled. and yet there is a strange connectedness that discovers me when on the road, a feeling that i believe only comes when you let go of the securities and comforts of home. i find my grounding in morning meditation sits in strange hotel rooms and the expansive driftings of the mind as you fly from place to place. the lack of the familiar pushes you to find your grounding elsewhere…in God, in the purpose of your job, the smiles of unfamiliar faces and unlikely conversations.
these past few months have been a rediscovery process. so much of my identity, my stability and strength was placed in the heart of another. now that stability is gone and leaves the energy that once lived in another without a home. i experienced great feelings of loss and bursts of sporadic anxiety trying to find what to do with my self. those feelings have not completely dissipated, however, i am growing my way through them. with that growth has birthed a whole new set of anxieties like when is it appropriate to start dating again, for that matter how in the world does one date? i’ve been told no phone calls, only text messages. phone calls are too intimate and are intimidating. and then there’s social media…how many photos are appropriate to like, do you comment or not, when to be playful and when to be serious? to tender or not to tender?? it’s a complete shit show and i have no idea what i’m doing!
yet in all of it i am finding a strange parallel in the journey of the personal and the professional. as i learn about the mysterious world of dating and it’s bizarre unwritten rules i am also discovering how this sense of playfulness and detachment to any particular outcome also serves my role at CTC. i am growing in the areas to not overthink, to let go, to chill out and let things roll as they will. like discovering new muscles through exercise, my mind and emotional state wake up sore and aching from this new use. i often feel at my edge, leaning in to the fear and loving the thrill even though it freaks me out.
i was just sharing with a friend in new york that growth is not easy. if it were, more people would be on the path of introspection and self discovery. inner work is a bitch. it hurts. it leaves you gasping for air as you push and pull your soul through barren lands in search of a new world. it definitely helps having a relationship with God and having authentic friendships that hit you straight and let you know when blatantly put…you’re fucking up. i have definitely done my fair share of fucking up, but feel an immense gratitude for the love of those around me, for their hearts and for the endless hours of time they have granted my hurt, my searching questions, and ridiculous fears. i am also forever in awe of God for continuing to show up, for receiving my awkwardness as i stumble through this new space and for constantly breathing life into a new day.
here’s to fucking up, for asking the tough questions, for showing yourself grace, for letting go and for waking to a new day ready to embrace the journey!