ready to make some changes. i’ve been running hard the past 2 years trying to get ctc to a place of sustainability and health. we’re in a good place and i’m realizing that over the past 10 years i’ve spent over half that time living and working in kenya (in the past year the longest i’ve been home and in my own bed is 4 weeks!). my time there has been transformative and truly an incredible journey. however, the consequences that i’m realizing now are that i don’t belong. what i mean by not belonging is that when you spend over half a decade back and forth, back and forth and back and forth in another country you lack identity in any particular community. i don’t belong in kenya and i don’t belong to a community in the states either…i’m a nomad.
while being nomadic is exploratory and adventurous it leaves one with a sense of loss. i’ve lost how it feels to be in communal living on a consistent basis…to identify myself with others in a grounded way. i am identified with split personalities and life as a ping pong ball bouncing in and out of culture shock and reverse culture shock again and again and again like pee wee herman…”knitting and knitting and knitting!” but at some point your heart steps off that speed train and wants to feel consistent earth beneath it’s feet.
not exactly sure what this means for me or for ctc, but i know it’s good. our organization has finally arrived to a place where this is possible. our kenya director, jeremiah kuria and kenya staff have it covered over there. they’re doing absolutely mind blowing work and changing lives. now it’s time to let go and allow them to continue creating.
so what’s in store for me and for ctc stateside? who knows! if you have any ideas let me know as i’m open, eager for growth and ready to explore…i’m just excited to start feeling my way around…to embark on more stateside creating and living, to be with others and begin exploring empowerment, global citizenship, listening and the daily rhythms where ctc and i personally can contribute.
it’s an odd thing to realize you don’t belong in your own space. to feel more awkward in your own home than on the road. never thought i’d feel that, but i do and i’m ready to turn inward and explore my way to another space.